New Moms: Here Are 10 Tips for Surviving the Fourth Trimester

Motherhood

Jun 29

Congratulations, you did it! You made it through the three (looong) trimesters of pregnancy, and now you have a little bean in your arms! But no matter how many books you read, podcasts you listened to, or friends you talked to, nothing could have prepared you for the wild ride that is becoming a mom.

There’s often so much focus on pregnancy and the birth plan that the fourth trimester is overlooked entirely. (The fourth trimester is the period immediately after giving birth, and, as I’m sure you know… it can be a very tough transition.)

It’s normal to feel discouraged when you discover just how difficult the postpartum period actually is. You and your baby are getting used to each other and your new routine. Not only are you learning to embrace this new version of yourself (your new identity, your changing body, and a massive amount of responsibility for the newborn in your arms,) but you’re also battling sleep deprivation and coming to terms with how your new life actually looks versus how you thought it would look.

Most moms in the fourth trimester are emotionally depleted, sore, tired, and overwhelmed by how difficult motherhood is. It can feel tougher than you ever imagined. So if you’re feeling as though you must be doing everything wrong, it’s ok if you don’t have it all figured out yet. In your child's eyes, no one is a better mom than you. Give yourself grace, and know this is just a season in your motherhood journey. Things won’t feel this impossible forever. Recovery after giving birth and the postpartum adjustment takes time. And if you’re partnered up, your loved one is also adjusting to all the surprises, struggles, and joys that come with having a newborn.

Advice for New Moms (From a Therapist Who Gets It!)

Focus on your unique baby

Each beautiful little baby that comes into this world is different! Could you imagine how boring life would be if we were all the same? These differences begin in infancy, and all babies are born with different temperaments.

Your baby has their own personal language and needs when they arrive, and oftentimes they will have certain cues to communicate to you. Learning your baby’s sleep or hunger cues will help you understand them. (And this takes time!)

Sometimes the popular baby sleep program or wake window routine doesn’t align with your baby — the unique, wonderful baby you have in front of you. That does not necessarily mean that anything is wrong or that you’re doing anything wrong! Follow their lead and trust your instincts, ultimately this will be the best thing you can do for your baby.

And of course, once you have it all figured out and get into the flow — things change! Practice flexibility and know this is completely normal.

2. Let go of expectations

It’s ok if things don’t go as planned. Your transition into motherhood may not look the way you hoped it would. Try to release your expectations and embrace motherhood for what it is. Acknowledge your feelings rather than pushing them away. Make space to grieve — to grieve how you thought you'd feel and what you thought motherhood would be like.

While the lack of control can feel terrifying, focusing on your baby and your experience can feel empowering. Know that you are doing your best and that’s all that matters to your baby.

Be open to new ways of doing things. Knowing your options can be extremely helpful when the sleep deprivation and overwhelm start to kick in. Things like safe co-sleeping, side-lying breastfeeding, or even finding a postpartum doula or lactation consultant can aid in supporting your postpartum journey.

Even all the preparation in the world cannot fully prepare you for the massive transition that is motherhood. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t have it all figured out yet. Know that this is normal and it’s ok to ask for help when you need it.

Mom lays on side while breastfeeding infant

3. Find your own rhythm

As a new mom, you might feel overwhelmed by the flood of advice from everyone around you. While these suggestions come with good intentions, remember that what worked for someone else might not be the best fit for you and your baby. And that’s completely okay.

Take these tips with a grain of salt and trust your instincts. It’s perfectly fine to kindly respond with, “Thank you for your suggestion. I’ll have to think about that or look into that.”

Learning how to set healthy boundaries is a crucial step in motherhood.

4. Don’t get caught in the comparison trap

It's easy to fall into the comparison trap, especially as a new mom. But remember, every mother's journey is unique. From the way you experienced pregnancy, labor, and birth to your baby’s individual temperament, milestones, and the support you have around you — no two stories are the same.

Try not to measure yourself (or your child) against other moms (or other babies) who seem like they have it all together or who “bounced back” to their social lives right after giving birth. Take a moment to check in with yourself and concentrate on your own journey. What works for someone else might not be right for you, and that's perfectly okay.

Prioritize what you need and make sure to take care of yourself. Be mindful of your social media habits — if scrolling through your feed leaves you feeling inadequate or questioning your abilities as a mom, it might be time to unfollow certain accounts or take a break from social media altogether. Focus on nurturing yourself and your baby.

5. Ask for help and advocate for yourself

Being a new mom is challenging, and it's okay to ask for help. Most of us don’t have the village we are intended to for child rearing — we were never meant to do this alone. You can only do and hold so much. Build your village, because it really does take one..

Reach out to your loved ones or your community and let them know what would be most helpful. They may not know how to support you. Ask them to bring a meal, run errands, or help with household chores. These chores may feel intimate, but the truth of the matter is, every mom has been there. Every little bit helps and allows you to focus on your baby.

Don’t hesitate to seek professional support, too — postpartum doulas, night nurses, and lactation consultants can be wonderful additions to your care team. Historically, women in the US do not get enough education and care from their OBGYN after giving birth. As this Time article states, “While a woman might visit her OBGYN 10-15 times during pregnancy, she’ll typically only visit once during the postpartum period. And while it’s commonplace for an expectant mother to take a birth education class, it is virtually unheard of for her to receive postpartum education.”

Schedule follow-up appointments with your care team before giving birth — whether that’s your OBGYN, your therapist, your psychiatrist, your midwife etc. — the support shouldn’t stop when you give birth. Self-care and self-advocacy are key.

6. Allow yourself time to rest and recover

Rest and recovery are essential after giving birth. Your body has undergone a significant transformation, and it needs time to heal. Labor and birth, while beautiful, are intense physical experiences. Give yourself permission to rest deeply.

In American culture, there is pressure to “bounce back” quickly after giving birth. But give yourself permission to resist this if it doesn’t feel right to you. There are postpartum traditions around the world that are designed to allow mothers to rest, bond with their child, and heal following childbirth. In many of these traditions, mom and baby don’t leave the house for a little over a month.

In Mexican culture, there’s la cuarentena, a 40 day period where moms focus on bonding with their baby, learning how to breastfeed, and heavily rely on support from family.

In Japan, mothers move back to their parental home for satogaeri bunben, a period of 8-12 weeks to get physical and psychological rest. Korean new moms have seaweed soup three times a day as part of their postpartum care, saam chil ill. In Nigerian Igbo culture, there’s the custom of omugwo, which last three to five months and includes care from older women in the community, Ji Mmiri Oku (yam pepper soup), and massages for mom and baby. The Ayurveda Sacred Window teaches us that the care received in the 42 days following childbirth can positively impact the next 42 years of a mother’s life.

Many cultures acknowledge the importance of the first 40 days following birth. Many cultures incorporate special foods, massage, tummy binding, bathing rituals, rest and rules around sex and visitors in these customs.

So hear me when I say: allow yourself time to truly rest and recover.

Focus on gentle recovery. Listen to your body, and prioritize rest whenever possible. Use healthy coping tools to navigate this period and avoid unhealthy distractions. Remember, taking care of yourself is vital for taking care of your baby and lays the foundation for your overall health for the rest of your life.

7. Give yourself grace

In the fast-paced, individualistic society of the United States, the importance of the postpartum period is often overlooked. We find ourselves under the influence of the "super mom" ideal — an image of perfection that, even though we know it's unrealistic, still shapes our expectations and pressures us to meet impossibly high standards. You are doing the most important job. Take a moment to reflect on all the things you think you “should” be doing, and prioritize instead what’s right for your family in this particular season.

You’re learning to be a mom, just as your baby is learning to be in the world. Let go of perfectionism and self-doubt. No parent is perfect. Process the shame and the fear that you won’t measure up. It’s normal to not feel “normal.” or to think you are doing it all wrong.

You are establishing a new relationship with yourself, your baby, your partner and loved ones, while also navigating intense hormone fluctuations and body transformations. It will take time to get used to this new life!

8. Find mom friends you can be real with

You know the type — the ones you can talk to about anything. The ones who won’t raise their eyebrows or judge you. The friends you can be unapologetically yourself with — through the tears, the joy, the rage, the sleep deprivation, the fear or anxiety — you need mom friends who get it and who won’t expect you to sugar coat how hard motherhood really can be.

9. This is a season

The newborn phase can feel endless, but it’s just a season. Your baby will grow and each stage will bring new challenges and joys. It’s okay to not enjoy every aspect of motherhood; just do your best to stay attuned to your baby’s needs and know that this too shall pass.

Slow yourself down and cherish as much of this time with your newborn as you can. Practice regulating your nervous system using coping tools like deep breathing, visualization, or going outside. Try to feel your feet on the floor and step into the present. Take in those little tiny details like their baby toes, wrinkles, and eyelashes. They won’t be this small forever. Do your best amidst sleep deprivation and physical fatigue to find gratitude in small moments.

10. Find a therapist who gets it

Motherhood brings many changes, and it’s okay to seek help. A therapist who understands the postpartum period can provide valuable support and a safe space to express your feelings. If you start to notice any signs of Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders, reach out. Therapy for new moms can help you overcome self-doubt, anxiety, and overwhelm to feel more confident, present and balanced.

Therapy for Moms in California

At Monarch Therapy Group, we cater to the needs of California-based moms and women. Whether you’re pregnant, have recently given birth, or are the mom of a young adult, we are here to support you through online therapy for moms across the state of California.

Have you ever heard the quote, “motherhood is the hardest job you’ll ever love?” Truly, being a mom is ridiculously hard (and unpaid) work! We see the labor you’re putting in. We see the long hours, the lack of thank yous, the tender moments, the snuggles and laughs. Therapy for moms in Walnut Creek, California offers you the same undivided attention you give to everyone else. And you deserve that.

If you’re considering therapy for moms in Walnut Creek, California because you’re postpartum or in need of support, feel free to reach out.

I’m Katie Byram, a licensed MFT and LPCC who is passionate about letting moms like you be your authentic self in session (since trying to hold it all together outside of session is hard enough). I support women with the unique challenges that arise through the perinatal journey, early motherhood, and beyond.

Whether you’re battling postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, or just feel like you don’t know what you’re doing half the time… trust me — I get it. I’m not here to offer self-care platitudes. I’m here to help you embrace your new identity, find your strength, and feel more confident as a mom. To schedule an appointment for therapy for moms in Walnut Creek, California, click here.

Journal Prompts for New Moms

Reflect on the advice you’ve received about raising your baby. What tips or suggestions have you been given? Take a moment to consider:
- Which pieces of advice resonate with you and align with your values? How can you incorporate them into your parenting journey?
- Are there any suggestions that don’t feel right for you or your baby? How can you gently set these aside and trust your own instincts?
- How can you create space to honor your baby’s unique needs and your own intuition as a mother?
  Write down your thoughts and feelings. Embrace the wisdom that feels true to you and let go of the rest.
On those tough days, imagine yourself at 70 years old. You get the chance to come back and spend one day with your baby again. What are the sweet moments you wish to remember?
Take a moment to reflect on your transition into motherhood. What feelings come up for you? What did you hope motherhood would look like and how does your present experience differ? Grieving is one of the most important parts of the healing process as we transition into motherhood.
Check in with yourself. What are the things that you wish you could tell your partner about your transition into motherhood? What kind of support do you need from them at this moment and how can you communicate that?