Attachment Styles: What Are They And Can We Change Them?
We all have a desire to be safe, loved, and understood. Wanting those things is a natural part of the human experience. Our interactions with our primary caregivers lay the foundation for how we navigate our adult relationships. Ideally, we get security, warmth, and emotional attunement from our parents or caregivers when we’re children so we grow into adults with secure attachment.
Unfortunately, not everyone gets what they need from their caregivers. Even the most well-meaning parents have their own struggles to navigate, and most adults will tell you their childhood was far from perfect. But when our needs are repeatedly unmet or rejected in infancy and childhood, we develop emotional wounds that impact our ability to relate to and trust others — wounds we carry with us into adulthood.
The way we were cared for growing up — the way love, communication, and safety were modeled (or not) for us leads to the development of an attachment style.
Think of an attachment style as a way of relating to someone. It’s the way we navigate close relationships and determine how safe they might be.
Our attachment style is a huge factor in how we communicate, seek out our emotional needs, and relate to others as adults.
If you’re interested in psychology and relationships, you may already be familiar with attachment theory, developed by the joint work of British psychologist John Bowlby and American-Canadian developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth.
Bowlby developed the idea that mental health begins in infancy when a warm, supportive, and continuous bond with a mother or mother-figure is established. He noticed that infants engage in attachment behaviors — such as maintaining visual eye contact with their caregiver — and protest behaviors — such as crying if their caregiver wasn’t close enough to them. It makes sense that infants engage in these behaviors because, from an evolutionary perspective, it allows them to survive. Attachment plays a vital role in the social, emotional, and cognitive development of infants. (Bowlby, 1969/1982).
If you’re a parent, you’ve probably seen this behavior in your own children at one point or another. But have you heard of The Strange Situation?
Attachment Research: The Strange Situation
John Bowlby’s colleague, Mary Ainsworth conducted a study called the Strange Situation in the 1970s observing babies' responses when they were briefly separated from their mother and then reunited. She noted three of the four attachment styles we know today: secure, anxious, and avoidant (Ainsworth et al.,1978). Her student, Mary Main, later coined the term disorganized attachment, which is the fourth and final attachment style in attachment theory.
Securely attached infants were upset when their parent left the room. When the parent returned, the child sought them out and was easily comforted by them. A child with a secure attachment has learned that their parent is there for them (meets their needs) most of the time creating a sense of safety and reliability.
Anxiously attached infants, on the other hand, became extremely distressed when their parent left the room and were very difficult to soothe when the parent returned. The researchers determined that anxiously attached toddlers were conflicted — they wanted to be soothed by their parent, but they also wanted to “punish” their parent for “abandoning” them. Anxious attachment typically arises when a parent is inconsistent in their attunement — sometimes they meet their child’s emotional needs and sometimes they don’t, so the child becomes confused and doesn’t know what to trust.
Avoidantly attached infants weren’t distressed when their parent left the room, but they also didn’t seek them out when the parent returned. Typically avoidant children have learned that their parents won’t meet their emotional needs, so they learn to self-soothe and cope on their own.
While Ainsworth’s research is not without criticism, the majority of attachment research has been inspired by her work.
Later, disorganized attachment was added to the attachment framework. Children with disorganized attachment both seek out and fear their parent, who is unpredictable and often frightening. They may have the instinct to both run toward and away from them. These parents might be abusive or cause their child to feel afraid due to their own trauma history.
Now, when you learn that the attachment style we develop in infancy impacts the relationships we have well into adulthood, you may be worried that you’re either messing up your own kid or that your parents messed you up.
We do the best we can with the resources we’ve got. The more you know about attachment styles, the better you can understand yourself and your relationships so you can make necessary changes to have more fulfilling relationships.
And the good news?
Attachment styles can change.
Healing anxious attachment — or other insecure attachment styles — is entirely possible!
So whether you’re here because you’re navigating communication challenges in your relationships, or you’re trying to figure out why you are the way that you are — understanding the four attachment styles can provide valuable insight into how you relate to, care for, and receive love from others.
The Four Attachment Styles and How They Form
Our attachment styles are developed based on how our caregivers respond to our needs as children most of the time.
No one is perfect! This is not a case for parent blaming. Rather, when we use attachment theory as a lens — and realize that as children, we internalize ideas about ourselves based on how we are treated by the adults who (should) love us — we develop self-compassion and empathy. Attachment theory is a valuable self-actualization tool and can help anyone make significant shifts in their relationships.
As children, we develop internal working models which inform the way we see the world and ourselves. When a caregiver is responsive, warm, and available (more often than not), the core belief a child forms is this: I am worthy of love. I can trust people to be there for me when I need them. (This is what a person with secure attachment believes.)
When a caregiver is rejecting, cold, insensitive, unpredictable, or even frightening, the core belief a child forms is this: I am not worthy of love. I can’t trust other people because they let me down. (This is what a person with an insecure attachment – anxious, avoidant or disorganized — believes.)
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is possible when a parent or caregiver is emotionally available, attuned to their child, and aware of their child’s behaviors and feelings as well as their own.
Signs of a Secure Attachment Style
Signs of having a secure attachment style include:
Emotionally available
Comfortable being alone or in close, intimate relationships
Trust and connect with others easily
Manage conflict well
Able to self-soothe and regulate emotions
Communicate clearly
A willingness to self-reflect and admit when you’re wrong
High self-esteem
How Secure Attachment Shows up in Adult Relationships
Interpersonal relationships come easy to you. If you have a secure attachment style, you typically:
Get joy and satisfaction from being close to your partner, while not being overly anxious when you two are apart
Don’t lose yourself completely in the relationship — you stay engaged with hobbies and maintain close connections with friends and family
Can clearly express how you feel and ask for what you need/want
Seek emotional support without fear of being shamed, misunderstood, or rejected
Are happy to offer emotional support as well
Hold boundaries to maintain your well-being
Assume the best of others — you don’t jump to worst case scenarios or conclusions when they don’t answer a text right away, for example
Resilient in the face of adversity, stress, misfortune, disappointment and/or setbacks
Seek out healthy ways to manage conflict
Appreciate and love yourself just as you are, while knowing you still have growth areas
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is the outcome of inconsistent parenting during formative years, resulting in feelings of uncertainty and anxiety around having one's needs met.
Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style
Signs of having an anxious attachment style include:
Intense fear of rejection or abandonment
Difficulty trusting others (usually because of a fear they will leave)
Feeling unworthy, like you don’t deserve to be loved
Low self-esteem
Seeking approval and reassurance from others
Worrying about what people think of you
The tendency to be clingy and/or jealous
Afraid of being judged
Highly sensitive to criticism (whether real or perceived)
Uncomfortable being alone
Codependent tendencies
Struggle to self-soothe and regulate emotions
How Anxious Attachment Shows up in Adult Relationships
You may worry you’re too needy and feel embarrassed that you want and need things from relationships. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may:
Tend to lose yourself in your relationships, becoming fixated on your partner, what they’re doing, and if they really love you
Seek reassurance and connection
Have a hard time fully trusting and relying on your partner
Be afraid of having space between you and your partner (space can trigger feelings of panic, anger, fear, and shame)
Worry that your partner doesn’t really love you or want to be with you
Resort to overexplaining, or argumentative, controlling, or manipulative communication when triggered
Feel ashamed of your needs (because you have been criticized for being needy and clingy)
See space as a sign or confirmation that you’ve driven your partner away
Struggle with boundaries (setting your own and respecting the ones other people set)
Have your self-worth tied to the relationship and how you are being treated
Feel jealous and look for threats to the relationship (perceived or actual)
Be criticized for being needy
But the truth is — you can learn to feel more at ease in your relationship.
Avoidant Attachment (Also Known as Dismissive Avoidant)
Avoidant attachment is the result of insensitive parenting, meaning the attachment figures aren’t able to be emotionally present for their child.. There is a lack of attunement, and the child learns to depend on themselves to get their needs met.
Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style
Signs of having an avoidant attachment style include:
Very independent and self-reliant
Afraid of commitment and intimate relationships
Uncomfortable when people get too close
Difficulty trusting others and being vulnerable
“If I need something, I can get/do it myself”
Uncomfortable expressing feelings and/or witnessing other people expressing their feelings
The tendency to dismiss others and spend a lot of time alone
Feeling misunderstood when you do try to be vulnerable
How Avoidant Attachment Shows up in Adult Relationships
Emotional (and physical) intimacy is uncomfortable for you and you worry that when you’re in a relationship, your independence will be taken away. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may:
Prioritize your freedom
Fear emotional intimacy and people depending on you
Withdraw when your partner gets too close or becomes too dependent on you
Seek out partners who are also emotionally unavailable and self-reliant
Think you don’t need intimate connection, but in truth — we all do!
Be criticized for being closed off, emotionally distant, cold, or critical
But the truth is — you can be a loving, vulnerable partner.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment is the result of the parent being inconsistent and vacillating between being a source of comfort for their child and being a source of fear. It’s usually caused by some form of childhood trauma (severe abuse or neglect). It can also occur when a parent has their own unresolved trauma which creates unconscious fear in the child, even when overt abuse isn’t present.
Signs of a Disorganized Attachment Style
Signs of having a disorganized attachment style are:
Displaying signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles
Struggling to regulate emotions
Wanting to be close to others but simultaneously fearing closeness
Perceiving others as unpredictable
Difficulty trusting others
Very high anxiety
Fear of rejection
Mood disorders and personality disorders
Struggles with substance abuse
Self-harming behaviors
How Disorganized Attachment Shows up in Adult Relationships
You may feel like you don’t deserve love at all. This couldn’t be further from the truth! If you have a disorganized attachment style, you may:
Swing between love and hate for your partner
Seek out and reject love and closeness
Intensely fear rejection
Have high emotional highs and low emotional lows
Display insensitive, controlling, selfish, even abusive behavior
Struggle to take responsibility for your actions
Abuse drugs or alcohol
Feel confused and unsettled in intimate relationships
But the truth is — you can calm your inner storm.
How Do Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships?
We are influenced by our attachment styles throughout our lives. They impact our relationships, both romantic and platonic, mental health, our ability to regulate emotions, and can even impact our physical health.
Adults with secure attachment are able to have positive, trusting, and fulfilling relationships. You may have friends with secure attachment styles. They are self-confident, comfortable with intimacy, and feel secure in their relationships. When they communicate their needs they do so directly, believing that their partners will be receptive and open. They are also responsive to their partner’s needs and display resilience when facing relationship challenges. Secure attachment with a romantic partner is what we strive for when we’re in a long term, healthy relationship.
Adults with anxious attachment have a strong fear of abandonment which adversely affects their relationships. Perhaps you or someone you know struggles with low self-esteem and tends to seek constant reassurance and validation from partners, family members, or friends. A person with an anxious attachment style tends to feel intense emotional highs and lows. If they think their relationship is threatened, they may panic and do everything they can to prevent abandonment (perceived or real) from occurring. Unfortunately, this intensity can create a strain on relationships and reinforce negative core beliefs of being “hard to love” or “clingy”. People with an anxious attachment style are often drawn to people with an avoidant attachment style, which can cause a difficult push-pull cycle in relationships.
Adults with avoidant attachment struggle with emotional intimacy. They may become very overwhelmed by their partner’s demands and retreat when they feel like things become “too much.” They don’t readily trust others and tend to be afraid of emotional closeness and vulnerability. They keep a certain amount of emotional distance from their partners, not because they don’t want to love and be loved — but because they have learned that it’s “easier” or less threatening to only depend on themselves. They tend to prioritize self-reliance and independence over interdependence or emotional connection, which can contribute to feelings of loneliness and worry that they’re incapable of being a good partner.
Adults with disorganized attachment often display both anxious and avoidant attachment behaviors. They simultaneously crave closeness and fear it — which can result in a push and pull dynamic with partners or loved ones. They tend to fear rejection and struggle with trusting others. While they crave love, they are terrified of getting hurt, and intimacy can feel deeply confusing or threatening.
Your Attachment Style Isn’t Your Destiny!
It’s Possible to Heal Anxious Attachment (and Other Insecure Attachment Styles)
Here’s the good news: even if you didn’t develop a secure attachment with your parent or caregiver in infancy, you can have one with a romantic partner, because your attachment style can change!
Attachment styles are not stagnant. You have the ability to heal your insecure attachment and move toward a secure attachment style. Whether you’re interested in healing anxious attachment or another insecure attachment style, you’re in the right place.
Healing anxious attachment is possible. Healing your “dismissive attachment style” (avoidant attachment is sometimes referred to as “dismissive avoidant”) is possible. Healing disorganized attachment and moving toward a secure, loving self-concept is also possible.
My name is Katie Byram, and I’m a licensed therapist offering online therapy in California. I help women examine why they are feeling stuck and determine what they can do about it. In our work together, we can look at your attachment style and do a deep dive into the core beliefs you hold about yourself. I’m here to support and empower you as you move toward meaningful change.
Wondering How to Become Securely Attached?
Online therapy in California is a good place to start.
If you’re seeking to heal childhood trauma and move toward secure attachment, online therapy can help. I offer online therapy in California for women who are seeking healthy relationships with themselves and others. Schedule a free consultation today!
Journal Prompts on Attachment Styles
Think about your early relationships with your caregivers. How do you believe these relationships have influenced your current attachment style? Describe any patterns you notice in your interactions with others
Consider your past and current relationships. Are there recurring patterns in how you connect with others? How do these patterns align with the different attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized)?
Imagine a relationship where you feel completely secure and supported. What does this relationship look like? How does it make you feel? Write about the steps you can take to move towards this kind of secure attachment in your current or future relationships.