Think You Have an Anxious Attachment Style? Here Are 10 Tips for Healing
Have you been struggling in your relationships? Do you often find yourself feeling anxious and questioning your partner's intentions? If this sounds familiar, it's possible that you may have an anxious attachment style. Navigating relationships with this attachment style can sometimes feel overwhelming and disheartening. If you’re wondering how to heal your anxious attachment style, know this — it is possible! With the right self-reflection, support, and inner work, you can develop secure attachment.
Insecure vs. secure attachment
Attachment styles are established during childhood and are influenced by how our primary caregivers responded (or didn’t respond) to our needs. These early experiences shape our later relationships, particularly with romantic partners.
Three of the four styles — anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — are what’s known as insecure attachment styles. It's important to note that no one style is inherently better or worse than the others. However, when you have secure attachment in adulthood, you tend to feel loved, safe, and able to express yourself openly to a partner. And who wouldn’t want that?
By exploring your attachment style, you can begin the journey toward developing secure attachment. Through intentional effort and self-awareness, you can heal your anxious attachment patterns. Attachment and trauma therapy in particular can help you develop greater fulfillment, satisfaction, and a sense of security in your relationships.
What causes anxious attachment?
An anxious attachment style emerges when caregivers aren't consistently available or responsive to a child's needs. Of course we can’t give our children 100% of our attention 100% of the time. But if the inconsistency is chronic — if a parent or caregiver is warm and supportive sometimes, but distant and preoccupied at other times — then children can start to feel unsure and distrustful — like they can't really rely on others. An anxiously attached child might feel like their needs aren't really heard or understood if they're only tended to now and then. And if the home environment is chaotic or unpredictable, like when a parent struggles with alcoholism, it can make these feelings even worse.
Growing up with an anxious attachment style shapes how you see the world. You might start to believe that relationships are uncertain and that your needs won't always be met. This can make it hard to build strong, trusting connections as an adult, as you might constantly worry about being let down or misunderstood by others.
You may have an anxious attachment style if you…
Struggle with trusting others and being vulnerable, maybe you have a hard time letting your guard down in your relationships
Have an intense fear of rejection or abandonment and often worry that your partner may leave you
Feel unworthy of love, like you are not “good enough” to be with someone
Accept unhealthy relationships and tolerate mistreatment out of fear of being alone or left
Would rather act like everything is “fine” to avoid conflict with your partner due to the fear of them walking away
Tend to be a people-pleaser and put others’ needs first
Don’t think very highly of yourself but put other people on a pedestal
Romanticize your relationships (even when they’re in the early stages, overlooking red flags)
Find it difficult to be alone, often finding more comfort in reaching out to friends, loved ones, or your partner for emotional regulation or soothing
Overthink and overanalyze small things which might lead to over-communicating your worries to your partner
Seek reassurance often (i.e. you might look for validation regarding your partner’s intentions and commitment to your relationship)
Rely on external validation and approval from others to feel good
May find yourself displaying codependent behaviors where you rely heavily on others for your sense of self-worth, safety, and identity, shaping yourself based on their perceptions and opinions
Struggle with regulating your emotions (i.e. when your partner texts you, you're on cloud nine! If you don't hear from them, your mood plummets)
Crave consistency in your partner’s behavior so it’s predictable and you feel like you know everything is okay between you two. You may be afraid that changes in a partner’s mood, behavior, communication patterns, etc. means something is wrong, and they want to break up with you
(Often subconsciously) believe if your partner truly loved you, they’d know what you need intuitively, without you having to ask and they would meet all of your needs
It might be tough to recognize any of these tendencies in yourself. If you resonate with many of the things on this list, know that there’s nothing wrong with you! Instead, I hope you can feel a sense of relief knowing that you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.
Over time, we unconsciously create a narrative about ourselves — about the type of person we are, whether we are lovable and worthy, and if we matter. If you have an anxious attachment style, you’ve likely created an internal story that you aren’t good enough and people will leave you. (Even though this story is absolutely untrue.You are good enough, and you deserve a loving relationship with someone who sees you.)
Internal stories take time to unlearn, so when something happens — your partner forgets to call you to let you know they’ll be home late from work, for example — you might spiral into a negative story if you have an anxious attachment style, jumping to the worst conclusions possible. Attachment and trauma therapy helps rewrite these negative stories (also known as core beliefs) and replace them with ones that are more accurate and true.
If you have an anxious attachment style, negative beliefs you have about yourself might include:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not worthy of love.”
“I’m too sensitive, needy, or overreacting.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
“I can’t trust others.”
“My worth depends on what other people think of me.”
Do any of these sound familiar? You may have had these thoughts about yourself, or you may have heard similar criticism from a partner.
In attachment and trauma therapy, you can explore these beliefs allowing you to recognize that you are enough just the way you are and that you deserve to feel seen and heard. Through dedicated work in attachment and trauma therapy, you can pave the way for healing your attachment style.
It’s important to remember that attachment styles aren't permanent and you can develop secure attachment.
Insecure attachments can be healed and transformed with some intentional work on reprogramming our subconscious minds. Recognizing patterns that are keeping you stuck is the first step in healing insecure attachment styles. This involves doing the inner work to self-soothe and deconstruct negative core beliefs you may have formed about yourself and the world. By doing so, you can undo the patterns ingrained in you during your formative years.
10 Tips for Healing Anxious Attachment
Are you hoping to break free from the recurring relationship patterns you no longer want to repeat? Have you been reflecting on how to heal your anxious attachment for good? Here are 10 tips to help you heal your anxious attachment style and develop secure attachment! With intentional effort towards healing, you can feel happier and more at ease within your relationships.
Become aware of your triggers
You may be wondering how to heal your anxious attachment and the painful patterns you keep unintentionally living out in your relationships. Improving awareness of your triggers is an important step. When you notice what situations, people, communication styles, behaviors, etc. trigger you, it becomes easier to remove yourself from the emotionally charged moment and come back when you’ve had time to calm your nervous system and gather your thoughts. When we are in the early stages of our attachment journey, we may become triggered easily and often. Being “triggered” means the past is unconsciously coming to the present. When you become aware of your triggers, you begin to master your ability to self-soothe before responding in a way that may hurt you, your relationships, or other people.
2. Develop a self-soothing practice
Self-soothing is an important skill and an essential part of healing anxious attachment. When we turn to our partners constantly for reassurance to calm our anxiety, it can become overwhelming for them and reinforce negative core beliefs or relationship patterns. Instead, it’s helpful to develop coping tools for anxiety you can turn to in times of need. Of course you will still rely on friends, family, and loved ones for support from time to time! But learning to take a step back, check in with yourself, take a walk, practice mindfulness, or do a meditation practice when you’re overwhelmed with relationship anxiety is a great way to calm your nervous system and regulate your emotions.
3. Practice setting (and respecting other people’s) boundaries
Healing your anxious attachment style and transitioning towards a more secure attachment pattern often involves learning healthy communication skills like setting boundaries, constructive conflict resolution, and how to authentically express your feelings and needs while respecting other people’s boundaries. Your feelings and desires are valid and you deserve to feel heard in your relationships.
Establishing clear boundaries empowers you and allows you to define your needs, desires, and limits within relationships. Boundaries allow you to communicate effectively with your partners, fostering a sense of safety and predictability. By setting boundaries and respecting your partner’s boundaries, you can nurture a greater sense of self-worth and autonomy, reducing your need for external validation. This process of boundary-setting encourages healthier relationship dynamics and promotes mutual respect, trust, and emotional security.
By learning to communicate assertively, express your feelings authentically, and listen empathetically, you can have deeper understanding and connection with your partners. Developing conflict resolution skills allows you to address conflicts constructively rather than resorting to protest behaviors or withdrawing emotionally. Through open and honest communication, you can begin to dismantle patterns of insecurity and establish secure relationships built on mutual respect, empathy, and trust.
4. Prioritize yourself
Addressing people-pleasing tendencies is a crucial step in transitioning towards a more secure attachment style. Often rooted in a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection, people-pleasing arises as a coping mechanism. You may turn to people-pleasing to receive external validation and approval.
You may find you’re prioritizing other people’s needs over your own, hoping to maintain connection and avoid conflict. However, this pattern ultimately perpetuates feelings of unworthiness or even resentment, and reinforces unhealthy relationship dynamics. By recognizing the origins of people-pleasing and cultivating self-awareness, you can begin to prioritize your own needs and have healthier, more authentic connections with others, laying the foundation for a more secure attachment style.
5. Build self-esteem
Improving your self-esteem and developing self-worth is essential in order to develop secure attachment. Begin by practicing self-compassion and challenging negative self-talk. Acknowledge your strengths and your accomplishments, no matter how small. It’s important to celebrate yourself!
You also build self-esteem when you set realistic goals for personal growth and actively work towards them, allowing yourself to embrace progress rather than perfection. Engage in activities and hobbies that bring you joy and build your sense of identity outside of your relationships.
Surround yourself with supportive relationships that uplift you. Through consistent self-care and intentional self-reflection, you can gradually develop secure attachment and healthy self-esteem.
6. Process the past
Processing childhood trauma and attachment wounds is crucial for your attachment style healing journey. Delving into the origins of our emotions and behaviors allows us to gain invaluable insight into the root causes of our attachment style. By understanding how past experiences have shaped our attachment patterns, we can begin to unravel and challenge unhealthy responses, patterns, and core beliefs. Ask yourself what was missing in your childhood and what you truly needed from your caregivers. Exploring your past provides you with an opportunity for growth and transformation, empowering you to make conscious choices and create healthier relationships in the future. It's through this introspective journey that you can change the trajectory of your life by becoming more self-aware, resilient, and at peace.
7. Approach negative thoughts with curiosity
When you begin to tell yourself an old story again — one that says you’re unlovable and difficult — become curious about that story. Ask yourself, “Is this really true?” Challenge the story. And rewrite it into one you want to tell yourself. Healing anxious attachment begins with changing the way you see yourself. When you become curious about your thoughts instead of taking them as the truth, you become an observer, rather than someone who is engaging with the negative story. Journaling can be a useful tool in replacing negative self-talk with more positive (and more accurate!) self-talk.
8. Seek secure relationships
By actively seeking partners who demonstrate consistent and supportive behavior, individuals with anxious attachment styles can begin to rewrite their relational stories. Pay attention to patterns that trigger your anxious attachment tendencies, and become curious about the partners you have had in the past. Do you consistently seek out partners who help you play out patterns that are familiar to you? If you’re going to keep choosing similar partners (i.e. those with an avoidant attachment style,) can you make a conscious effort to self-soothe during triggering moments? Or will you seek partners who don’t trigger your fear of abandonment?
There is no “right answer” for the type of partner a person with an anxious attachment style “should have.” With enough inner work, partners of all attachment styles can find balance and develop secure attachment. But if you find yourself replaying hurtful, tiresome relationship dynamics, consider the types of behaviors you want to see in a partner (and the way you want to behave, as well) and seek those out instead. Doing this with a therapist can be helpful if you need someone to talk things out with.
9. Give yourself grace
Giving yourself grace as you navigate your healing journey is of vital importance. Healing takes time. Setbacks are a natural part of the process. Rather than succumbing to shame or self-blame, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and belonging. Embrace your vulnerability. Acknowledge the areas where you may need support. And try not to compare yourself to others. Instead, focus on your own progress. Self-understanding is a courageous first step. With patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to self-discovery, you can work towards developing a secure attachment style.
10. Try attachment and trauma therapy
Therapy offers a safe space to explore and heal your anxious attachment. Your therapist can teach you coping skills such as emotion regulation techniques, positive self-talk, and grounding practices. Attachment and trauma therapy can also help you see the ways in which your attachment patterns may be hurting or helping your relationships. Healing anxious attachment is possible! You can develop secure attachment with the right support.
Healing anxious attachment takes time
If you feel like you need additional support on your attachment journey, feel free to reach out. I’m Katie Byram, LMFT and LPCC, and I help women cultivate self-love and develop healthy relationships.
Many of my clients come to me seeking to break out of painful relationship patterns. When you understand your attachment style, learn how to self-soothe and honor your needs, it becomes easier to have healthier relationships. If you’re wondering how to heal anxious attachment and aren’t sure where to start, feel free to set up a free consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. I’m passionate about helping women step into their self-confidence and shed harmful patterns that are no longer serving them.
Journal Prompts for Healing Anxious Attachment
Reflect on instances where you've recognized signs of anxious attachment within yourself. How does this attachment style reveal itself in your daily interactions and relationships?
What recurring patterns are showing up in your romantic relationships or friendships? Consider how your anxious attachment style might be influencing these patterns.
What are some goals you would like to set for your relationships that align with developing a secure attachment style?