Anxious Attachment Triggers: What They Are and How to Cope
You've been eagerly waiting for a text message from your partner all day, but as the hours pass, you start to feel increasingly anxious. You check your phone repeatedly, hoping to see a message notification, but each time, there's nothing. Your mind begins to race with thoughts and worries. Did you say something wrong? Are they upset with you? Have they lost interest?
As the minutes turn into hours, your anxiety continues to build. You start to doubt yourself and the strength of your relationship. You feel a pit of insecurity growing in your stomach, fueled by the silence from your partner's end. You desperately crave validation and reassurance that everything is okay.
Finally, when you do receive a text from your partner, you feel a flood of relief wash over you. The anxiety dissipates, replaced by a sense of reassurance and connection. However, until that moment, the lack of communication had triggered your anxious attachment wounds, leaving you feeling vulnerable and on edge.
People with anxious attachment styles often worry a lot about their relationships. You might constantly wonder if your partner really cares about you and feel afraid of being left alone. It's like feeling constantly anxious or insecure in relationships and needing extra reassurance and support from your partner.
Your past experiences influence how you interpret and navigate your adult relationships. When you have an anxious attachment style, you may find yourself becoming triggered easily in your present-day adult relationships due to experiences from your past (often childhood). You may look for any hint of abandonment or rejection having experienced inconsistent parenting in your childhood or due to other childhood trauma.
These attachment wounds can leave a lasting imprint, often leaving you feeling uncertain in relationships and needing reassurance from your partners to soothe fears of being unloved or unworthy. Your past experiences can really impact how you relate to others in the present, making it difficult to build secure and trusting connections.
Examples of anxious attachment triggers
When you have an anxious attachment style, your nervous system is on high alert all the time. This means you might feel super anxious and tense in your romantic relationships, always worrying about things going wrong. Your mind is constantly racing, and it can leave you feeling totally drained. This constant state of stress can really take a toll on your body and mind, making you feel exhausted and overwhelmed.
“Triggers” refer to specific events, actions, communication patterns or circumstances that evoke strong emotional reactions. For example: you may have gotten used to receiving a goodnight text from your new romantic partner. If the anticipated pattern is broken (you don’t receive the text one evening), you may interpret the change (often incorrectly), causing you to spiral into hopelessness or anxiety due to your past attachment wound(s). You might start to worry if something's wrong or if they're losing interest in you. In your state of heightened anxiety, you reach out to your new partner seeking reassurance or to feel connected again.
Understanding these triggers is crucial for navigating your emotions effectively and fostering healthier relationship dynamics.
10 common anxious attachment triggers:
Inconsistent or unpredictable behavior
Individuals with an anxious attachment style are highly attuned to the nuances of their relationships and their partner's behavior; therefore, any deviation from your partner’s usual patterns can lead to heightened anxiety.
Imagine your partner usually gives you a goodbye kiss every time they leave, but they stop one day without explanation. You might start to worry if something's wrong or if they're losing interest in you (even though that’s likely not the case!).
2. Physical separation or emotional distance
When your partner seems physically or emotionally distant it can activate feelings of insecurity and trigger anxious attachment wounds.
Perhaps your partner is scrolling through instagram when you’re on the couch together instead of spending quality, intentional time with you. Or maybe they’re hanging out with their friends more than usual and you feel left out or ditched.
If your partner is having a busy week and you feel disconnected, you might start to feel anxious and wonder if they're pulling away from the relationship.
3. Feeling invalidated, dismissed, or rejected
Feeling like your thoughts or feelings don't matter in a relationship can really intensify those feelings of insecurity. When you feel misunderstood or ignored, old fears of being left behind, being “too much”, or not being good enough tend to resurface.
Maybe you try being brave and you express your feelings to your partner rather than sweeping your problems under the rug. But rather than hearing you out, your partner brushes you off, changes the subject, or tells you “you're overreacting.” This can leave you feeling rejected, unheard, and emotionally abandoned.
4. Ghosting
When you start to date someone new, and they suddenly ghost you, it can stir up all those fears of rejection and abandonment, making you feel vulnerable and anxious.
Old stories of not being good enough, being “too much” or being “needy” might resurface, stirring up shame and worry.
5. Forgetfulness, distraction, or feeling like your partner is disengaged
When your partner seems distracted or distant, it's easy to start feeling like you're being left behind or forgotten, especially if you're someone with an anxious attachment style. Maybe they forgot your anniversary or they're glued to their phone during your time together. It's these little things that can make you feel like you're not a priority, sparking feelings of being abandoned or rejected.
Let's say you asked your partner to pick up something from the store on their way home, but they forgot. You might feel hurt and overlooked, wondering if they care enough to remember the things that are important to you.
6. Sensing criticism or disapproval
Yearning for approval and validation is a natural part of having an anxious attachment style. When you feel like your efforts or actions aren't appreciated, it can really hit you hard, bringing up those feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. It's like a little voice inside saying, "Am I not good enough?" That's why it's so important to recognize these triggers and work on building up your own sense of worth and confidence.
If your partner makes a comment that you interpret as critical or disapproving, even if it wasn't meant that way, you might start to doubt yourself and worry about whether they still care about you. For example, if you purchase your partner a nice gift and they don’t have the reaction you hoped for, you might feel bad. Or if you get a new haircut and they don’t give you a compliment, you may worry they’re secretly criticizing you.
7. Lack of comfort and reassurance from your partner
When you're used to seeking comfort and support from your partner, it can feel overwhelming when those needs aren't met. In times of distress, you might find yourself craving reassurance and understanding. But when your partner isn't able to offer that comfort, it can leave you feeling abandoned and insecure, sending your mind into a spiral of worry.
Imagine you're going through a rough time, but when you turn to your partner for support, they're too busy or distracted to give you the comfort you need. This can trigger feelings of loneliness and insecurity.
8. Change in communication patterns
Any changes in your communication routine may make you feel uneasy.
If your partner typically texts you throughout the day, but then suddenly stops responding to your messages for hours at a time, you might feel uneasy and wonder if something's wrong.
9. Lack of affection or intimacy
Feeling like your partner isn't as interested or affectionate as you'd like can trigger feelings of being unwanted or not good enough.
If your partner seems less interested in being physically affectionate or intimate with you, you might start to question whether they're still attracted to you or if the relationship is in trouble. But remember, your worth isn't defined by someone else's attention.
10. Unclear answers
Even the smallest uncertainties can feel like a big deal when you're navigating relationships with an anxious attachment style. You thrive on clarity and knowing what to expect, so ambiguous responses can really throw you off. Remember, it's okay to express your feelings and seek clarity in these situations.
For example, If you ask your partner if they want to make plans for the weekend, and they respond with "maybe," you might feel uncertain and anxious about what that means for your relationship and your plans. This response may feel unsettling and you may question where to go from here.
11. Conflict
Conflict is a normal part of any relationship journey, and when handled with care and understanding, it can even strengthen your bond. However, for someone with an anxious attachment style, conflict can trigger deep-seated fears of abandonment. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, conflict can trigger feelings of helplessness and cause their nervous system to shut down.
Anxious partners and avoidant partners often find themselves in relationships. You may be familiar with this dynamic — the pursuer distancer dance. Imagine a small disagreement with your avoidant partner quickly turns into a heated argument.Your avoidant partner shuts down, walks away, or asks for some space, when all you want to do is continue talking. (You want to make sure you two are okay before you walk away for the night!) When your avoidant partner withdraws, you begin to panic. You’re deeply afraid things are going to end if you don’t hash everything out right here, right now. They, on the other hand, are so overwhelmed by the argument, that all they want to do is escape the discomfort.
It’s not that they don’t care. It’s that growing up, they learned that conflict was to be avoided at all costs, (because often it got them nowhere).
Sometimes, in an effort to avoid conflict altogether, you might find yourself holding back your emotions or needs, which only adds to the tension. It's important to find ways to navigate conflict constructively, while also honoring your own feelings and needs along the way.
Many of these triggers can extend beyond romantic relationships, affecting friendships and professional relationships as well.
In learning more about yourself and your attachment style, you can start to identify your triggers, and rather than becoming emotionally reactive, take a step back and respond in a more helpful way.
Are you engaging in protest behaviors? (What NOT to do when anxious attachment is triggered)
It’s normal to feel anxious in your relationship from time to time. It happens to all of us. And when there are ruptures in the relationship due to conflict or miscommunication, it’s normal to want to fix things right away and reconnect. However, sometimes our relationship anxiety can get the best of us and lead us to react in ways we're not proud of or that don't reflect our best selves.There’s no need to feel ashamed, and it's okay to feel anxious, but finding healthy ways to address it can help maintain harmony in your relationship.
These behaviors, called “protest behaviors,” are what anxiously attached individuals sometimes use to reestablish connection with their loved one. This might look like frequently reaching out to your partner, withdrawing, showing frustration, threatening to end the relationship, or trying to manipulate situations. Unfortunately, protest behaviors often have the opposite of the desired effect, pushing people further away rather than bringing them closer.
Types of protest behaviors include:
Calling multiple times in a row, even when your partner doesn't answer
Not answering when you do get a response
Giving the silent treatment or saying "I'm fine" when you are in fact not fine
Being short or having a tone with your partner
Threatening to leave or end the relationship (i.e. Making “This isn't working" comments in the heat of the moment, but taking it back later)
Texting (12 times!) when your partner asked for space
Testing the relationship to gauge your partner’s interest
Texting long paragraphs, over explaining, or over communicating
Pretending like you don’t care (when you do)
Keeping score
Guilt-tripping your partner or making them feel bad
Trying to make your partner jealous
Think of protest behaviors as your inner child crying out for attention and love. It comes from a place of reactivity rather than reflection. If you relate to these dynamics, please do not shame or berate yourself. Protest behaviors arise because at one point in time, they were your only way to be heard!
Protest behaviors can harm your relationships
Unfortunately, protest behaviors can really damage your adult relationships. These attempts at closeness often do just the opposite — drive others away. When your partner feels smothered, disrespected, or manipulated (even if you don’t mean to), the relationship can become strained and unhealthy dynamics start to form. (This is where we often see the anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic play out. The more you pursue your avoidant partner to quell your own anxiety, the more they pull away, further fueling your anxiety and fear of abandonment.)
Even though protest behaviors may bring temporary connection, they don’t address the root issues — which are the underlying fears from the attachment trauma. It's like putting a band-aid over deeper emotional wounds, rather than addressing them head-on to cultivate a secure attachment. Protest behaviors not only harm our relationships but can also build resentment and distrust.
Healthier coping strategies
As an adult on your attachment healing journey, you can make the choice to move from protest behaviors toward proactive, assertive communication. Here are a few examples of how to do this:
Example one:
Your partner didn’t answer your call and you start to feel like something is wrong.
Rather than saying, “What are you doing? Are you with someone else?”
Try saying something like, “I know that you didn’t intentionally mean to ignore my call, but it made me feel really worried.”
Example two: You feel like your partner spends too much time on their phone.
Rather than saying, “You’re always on your phone! We don’t even do anything but sit and scroll anymore!”
Try saying something like, “I would love to have some time to connect with you where we can focus on each other without distractions.”
What to do when anxious attachment is triggered
If you’re reading this and you realize you’ve been engaging in protest behaviors, let me say this: I see you. And I’m proud of you for being here!
We’ve all done things we wish we could undo. It’s never too late to stop engaging in protest behaviors and move toward behaviors that foster your self-esteem and improve your relationships.
If you know you have an anxious attachment style and you’re tired of becoming triggered, here are some coping skills you can use in the moment.
Identify your anxious attachment triggers
When dealing with anxious attachment triggers, it's essential to approach yourself with kindness and compassion. Remember, you're not alone in this journey.
Start by acknowledging your triggers and the emotions they evoke within you. When you learn to identify triggers, you can step away from conversations when they become unproductive or hurtful, and self-soothe until you are ready to try again.
Take a moment to breathe deeply and ground yourself in the present moment. Remind yourself that these triggers are remnants of past experiences and not indicative of your current reality. Your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be received respectfully when both you and your partner are ready to have a conversation.
2. Use the STOP skill
The STOP skill is a helpful tool for managing overwhelming emotions, especially for those with an anxious attachment style. It’s a part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and can be a great way to handle anxiety and improve your relationships.
Stop
When you feel your emotions taking over, pause immediately. Don't react or say anything right away. Just stop and take a moment to collect yourself. This brief pause helps prevent you from reacting impulsively, which can lead to misunderstandings and regret.
Take a Step Back
Give yourself a moment to breathe and calm down. Step away from the situation, both physically and mentally, if possible. This helps you gain some perspective and reduces the immediate emotional intensity. Deep breathing can be especially helpful here.
Observe
Pay attention to what’s happening around you and within you. Notice your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. What are others doing or saying? Try to understand the situation without jumping to conclusions. This helps you gather the facts and see the situation more clearly.
Proceed Mindfully
Consider your goals and what you want to achieve from the situation. Ask yourself what actions will help or hurt your goals. With this mindful approach, you can choose a response that aligns with your values and desired outcomes.
3. Regulate your nervous system
When coping with anxious attachment, regulating your nervous system is key to managing overwhelming emotions and reducing anxiety. One effective way to regulate your nervous system is through grounding techniques. These techniques can help you feel more present and calm by connecting you to the present moment. Examples include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, or engaging in physical activities like yoga or walking in nature. Additionally, practicing self-compassion and self-soothing techniques can also help calm your nervous system.
4. Scale your anxiety
Scaling your anxiety on a 1-10 scale can be a helpful tool in managing anxious attachment. Start by identifying your current level of anxiety, with 1 being the least anxious and 10 being the most. Take a moment to reflect on what is causing your anxiety and how it's impacting you. Pay attention to the signs you are noticing in your body such as a racing heart, clenched jaw, or tense shoulders.
Once you've determined your anxiety level, practice techniques such as deep breathing or a mindfulness walk to bring this number down. As you engage in these practices, periodically check in with yourself to reassess your anxiety level and see if it's decreasing. The goal is to gradually bring your anxiety down to a level where you feel more calm and able to interact with your partner in a healthy and adaptive way.
5. Challenge anxious thoughts
The first step to challenging your anxious thoughts is recognizing when you are spiraling. Notice how your body feels and what thoughts you are having (you may actually feel as though your heart and thoughts are racing). Next, identify the what ifs and worst-case scenario thoughts. Then, find evidence for whether or not they are true. Recognize your assumptions, and remind yourself of a time when the outcome was different than what you were expecting.
6. Build healthy communication skills
Work on your communication skills so you can adaptively express your insecurities and needs rather than resorting to protest behaviors. If you know you have a tendency to lash out or attempt to make your partner jealous and are seeking to replace these protest behaviors, try these tactics instead:
Use “I feel” statements. For example: “I feel anxious when I don’t know when we are going to have quality time. Can we set up weekly dates so we can connect?”
Identify your boundaries and communicate them with kindness. “I love that you want to connect, but I have work tomorrow. Let’s find another time to hang out.”
Develop conflict resolution skills. This includes self-soothing if you or your partner needs a temporary time-out before having a calm conversation.
7. Talk to your inner child
When you feel your anxiety starting to spiral out of control, try sitting cross-legged on the floor or in another position that is comfortable for you. Place one hand on your belly and one on your heart. Reflect on the unmet needs of your inner child and ask yourself, "What did you need back then?" You may be surprised by what wisdom comes up. Offer yourself words of reassurance, “You are safe. You are loved. I will always be here for you. I will never leave you.” This may be exactly what you need to hear.
8. Observe where you feel the fear or pain in your body
With anxious attachment comes a lot of fear of abandonment and intense emotional pain regarding perceived unlovability. When you are triggered, notice where you feel that fear or pain in your body. Is it in your chest? Between your eyebrows? In your shoulders? Connect with your breath and breathe deeply through the pain. You can try speaking to your inner child calmly and kindly as you do so. Try a progressive muscle relaxation to release the tension you are holding.
9. Journal
Journaling can help you identify triggers and recurring patterns in your relationships and track your progress over time. Explore red flags you may see in relationships or early signs that you may not be compatible.
If you repeatedly seek reassurance from others, consider writing compliments down in your journal! Anytime you get a compliment or kind words from someone, write them down. Then when you are looking to challenge your negative story, read these and use that as evidence that you are enough, worthy, and loved.
10. Try therapy
Having a therapist who understands attachment trauma can help you identify your triggers, see signs of unhealthy relationships, and develop effective communication skills. Together, you can find coping skills that work for you so when you become triggered, you know what to do, even outside of the therapy session. As you practice self-soothing techniques and assertive communication, you will find you become more skilled at communicating your needs without the emotional charge.
Identifying your anxious attachment triggers is the first step to healing
While working on your attachment trauma, surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who can provide understanding and encouragement during challenging times. Most importantly, be patient with yourself as you work through these triggers. Healing takes time, but with self-awareness and self-care, you can do it. If you feel like you need extra support as you heal your anxious attachment, feel free to reach out. I’m Katie Byram, a licensed MFT and LPCC and I help women build self confidence and cultivate healthier relationships.
Journal Prompts for Anxious Attachment
Consider how you behave when your anxious attachment is triggered. Rather than judging yourself, just notice any patterns in behavior (yours and your partners). The goal is to cultivate awareness. How have your actions affected your connection with others, either positively or negatively?
When you’re feeling overwhelmed by anxiety related to your relationship, what steps can you take to self-soothe? What coping tools work for you in order to take a step back and think about how you would like to move forward?
How can you effectively communicate feelings of insecurity or anxiety to a loved one, fostering a deeper understanding and support?