What Are the Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse?
Let’s talk about how to detect red flags in a relationship.
Trigger Warning: This blog discusses the signs of emotional abuse, which may bring up difficult emotions for some readers. I recognize that reading about these topics can be overwhelming, especially if you've experienced similar situations. Please take care of yourself as you read and know that you can pause or step away at any time. Remember, you’re not alone, and support is available whenever you’re ready.
When we think of abuse, we generally think of extremes, like what we see portrayed in the movies. However, abuse can take many forms and vary in intensity and impact.
We’ve all heard about the more obvious forms of abuse—physical and verbal—but emotional abuse can be harder to understand and even more difficult to spot. Nearly half of all women (48.4%) and men (48.8%) in the United States go through psychological aggression from an intimate partner at some point in their lives. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling confused, overwhelmed, or drained in your relationship, it’s worth exploring the signs.
Sometimes red flags aren’t obvious right away, but if “something doesn’t feel right,” you are probably onto something. It can be challenging to trust yourself when a partner is constantly disregarding your feelings and making you second guess yourself. Pay attention if you start to feel tense or uncomfortable when you interact with your partner. If your gut is trying to tell you something is off, it's worth listening to. You don’t have to wait for things to get even worse to walk away.
Over time, emotional abuse can gradually diminish your self-esteem and sense of self-worth, leaving you feeling depleted and uncertain. The constant undermining and negativity can make it difficult to remember just how valuable and resilient you truly are.
The truth is, you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and emotional safety. You might feel like it's your responsibility to fix things or that you’re partly to blame for what’s happening. But, remember, you are not responsible for your partner’s reactivity or behavior. It’s not your fault, and it’s okay to prioritize yourself.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse can be subtle, making it hard to recognize, especially if you’re caught in the middle of it. It often hides behind small, everyday interactions, leaving you questioning yourself and wondering if you're overreacting (especially when your partner says you are). It persists over time throughout a relationship. It’s masked by excuses or coercion, causing you to wonder if it’s “really that bad.” The push and pull of these relationships can be confusing—if the mistreatment were constant, you might leave, but because there are moments of kindness or affection, it keeps you hanging on. The reality is, emotional abuse can leave deep scars, even if they aren’t visible.
According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, and dismissiveness, among others.”
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to be as obvious as someone insulting you or yelling at you. It can be subtle: your partner might monitor your activities, discourage you from seeing friends or talking to someone of another gender, make you feel guilty for setting boundaries, dismiss your feelings, give you the silent treatment, or make you doubt your own judgment. Over time, these subtle behaviors can chip away at your confidence and sense of self.
The more obviously problematic behaviors (like jealousy or sharing passwords) that should raise concern are often romanticized as “passionate love,” making it harder to see red flags for what they really are. But just because something is normalized on TV or common doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be traumatizing.
Here are some signs of emotional abuse and manipulation in relationships. If you recognize any of these signs it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. Trust yourself. Your feelings are valid, and you are worthy of a relationship that brings you peace and happiness.
Signs of Emotional Abuse and Manipulation
They constantly criticize you. Maybe it's how you do daily tasks, your values, or your feelings—whatever it is, you’re doing it wrong.
They are constantly shifting blame back to you, saying things like “Well what about the time when you…” They might even project their own behavior onto you, accusing you of being controlling or selfish, etc.
They invalidate your feelings or concerns, often implying that you’re overreacting or being unreasonable for wanting to discuss important matters. They dismiss your feelings and refuse to take accountability for how their actions hurt you.
They wear you down or drain you to the point where you let them have their way, because it’s too exhausting to deal with. Conversations with them are exhausting and nonsensical (circular talking that goes nowhere). It feels like you can’t have a serious discussion.
They withhold love and affection or pull away emotionally until they get their way. Or they love-bomb you to get their way; sweet talking, begging for forgiveness, promising to change, and gifts/flowers/poems are all examples of love-bombing.
They make aggressive jabs disguised as jokes. Maybe they tell you “You can’t take a joke” or "You're too sensitive.”
Their attitude about you devolves drastically. Early in the relationship, they defend themselves preemptively by emphasizing how they’re so “nice”–compassionate, charitable, and worthy of your trust. Later, they alternate between idealizing and devaluing you–or only devaluing you.
They gaslight you, causing you to question your reality and sanity by telling you they told you something when they didn’t; implying that you’re forgetful or fragile or sick; claiming that something happened that didn’t; or telling blatant lies that they pretend are real, etc. They say things like “You’re overreacting,” “You’re too sensitive; no one else would get upset about this,” “You started this,” or “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t push my buttons.” Your thoughts and feelings are deliberately misrepresented to the point of absurdity: “Oh, so now you’re perfect!” they’ll say. Or, “So I’m a bad person, is what you’re saying!”
They test your boundaries. They start by testing smaller boundaries to see which ones they can trespass. The more violations they’re able to commit without consequences, the more they’ll push the envelope. This might look like micromanaging you, asking you to sacrifice your own needs for their sake, or invading your privacy. Later, they might hoover–acting in ways to suck you back in after you’ve distanced to protect yourself.
They use verbal aggression. They speak with condescension, sarcasm, and a patronizing tone. They yell or swear at you. Or they say things to purposely hurt you. This might include blanket statements and generalizations, saying things like “You’re never satisfied” or “You’re constantly complaining.” Or they might bait and feign innocence, saying something to get a rise out of you and then pretending they didn’t mean to upset you, or behaving as if you’re overreacting.
They nitpick and move the goal post. They are perpetually dissatisfied with you; even when you do what they ask, they aren’t satisfied and keep expecting more. Their love begins to feel conditional, as if you are required to behave in a certain way if you want peace and affection in the relationship. You get blamed for slight infractions or no infraction at all. On their part, they might act moody to keep you tiptoing and walking on eggshells.
They focus on irrelevant details or change the subject entirely in conversations to distract you from your relevant point. They say things like “Wait–when did I supposedly say that? What day? Because I was gone several days last week. And the week before that you were out of town, right? Or were you gone three weeks ago?”
They give you the silent treatment, deliberately ignoring you or refusing to communicate after a disagreement. You’re left feeling isolated and unheard. They might also avoid conflict or be unwilling to address issues together or engage in conversations about problems. You feel as if you’re facing challenges alone.
They exploit your kindness or empathy. They use your goodness against you and position it as a sign of weakness. Or they ask for mercy, forgiveness, or a second chance because they know you are compassionate. Or they might accuse you of being unkind or selfish if you try to assert boundaries or take care of yourself. They rely on guilt-tripping or shaming to get their way because they know you will be vulnerable to it.
They turn the tables. When you confront them about something, they turn it around so you are on the defensive. They act as if they are emotionally fragile or a victim so you feel sorry for them or tiptoe around them to make sure they don’t get upset.
They put down your loved ones, hobbies, or things that are important to you. This might manifest as belittling your accomplishments or ignoring you when you are expressing your feelings. They might even “accidentally” ruin something that is dear to you.
They deliberately put you in physically or emotionally uncomfortable positions, like making a scene in a social situation or family dinner. They put you down by publicly embarrassing you (social media counts, too).
They do everything they can to control you. They limit or dictate who you hang out with. Or they tell you what to wear and how to conduct yourself. They disguise their manipulation and jealousy as passionate love, making “passionate” statements and requests like “Send me a picture of you and your friends so I can see the restaurant [or how beautiful you are].” They might also rely on triangulation by bringing in another person’s perspective or opinion to discredit yours–or setting up a love triangle.
And when things get even worse….
They gain even more control. This can manifest in a variety of ways including control over your finances; keeping you away from your family or friends; or punishing you when you try to think for yourself, take independent action, and/or make a mistake. They stalk and snoop by reading your emails and texts.
They rely on destructive conditioning. They condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration, and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized; sabotaging your goals; or ruining celebrations, vacations, and holidays.
They call you names.
They slander you to others (or create smear campaigns), including your friends, coworkers, and relatives.
They use rage and unpredictability to control you or keep you off-balance.
They make covert and overt threats.
Do some of these things sound familiar?
Are you wondering if it’s really “that bad”? Recognizing these signs of emotional abuse in your relationship can be overwhelming and triggering. It’s normal to feel conflicted, especially if you’re holding onto the memory of how your relationship used to be, or the potential you’ve imagined it could have, or even romanticizing unhealthy traits—because you’ve been conditioned to do so. You might find yourself hoping for that idealized version of your partner, making it even harder to leave.
But it’s important to reflect on your current reality. Ask yourself:
Can I truly be myself with this person?
Do I feel happy when I think about our relationship?
Do I feel emotionally drained after interactions with my partner?
Would I encourage a close friend to stay in a relationship like mine if they were experiencing the same things?
Am I holding onto the potential of what this relationship could be, or am I accepting it for what it truly is right now?
Am I staying out of fear, guilt or self-doubt?
If things stay the same, how will my future look? Would I want to potentially raise children with this person?
If these signs resonated with you or these questions felt uncomfortable, your feelings are valid!
Choosing to walk away is always tough and there are a multitude of reasons we stay longer than we intended. Our childhood experiences, societal and cultural expectations often shape our perceptions of what constitutes a healthy relationship. Our past influences what our adult relationships look like, which makes it even harder to spot the signs when they arise.
Whatever the reasons may be, the emotional toll is real. Leaving can bring up a mix of complex emotions. If you choose to leave, it’s natural to grieve the loss of a relationship, even if it was unhealthy—but prioritizing your well-being is the first step toward healing.
You deserve to feel loved, respected, and supported in your relationship.
How Therapy Empowers You to Recognize Red Flags and Heal from Emotional Abuse
Recognizing emotional abuse is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self. But when you’re in the thick of a confusing or challenging relationship, it can be especially hard to see the red flags for what they are. Sometimes an unbiased outside perspective is needed and necessary: and a reliable way to gain this kind of perspective is through therapy. Unlike your friends and family–who may wish the best for you but who may not be privy to all the ins and outs of your relationship–therapy provides a safe space to share your experience and get feedback from a mental health professional.
If you’re facing relationship issues, therapy can provide you with the caring and grounding environment you need to identify red flags in your relationship, understand your needs, and help you set healthy boundaries. With the ongoing support of a therapist and the self-awareness you foster, you can build the strength and confidence to prioritize your well-being, empowering yourself to walk away from harmful patterns.
My name is Katie Byram and I am a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in therapy for women in Walnut Creek, CA. My passion is helping women cultivate self-confidence, set healthy boundaries, and move toward healthier relationships. I strongly believe that you deserve a relationship rooted in respect and safety–and that it is more than okay to choose yourself. If you’re ready to explore these next steps, I encourage you to reach out today for a free consultation.
Journal Prompts for Healing from an Unhealthy Relationship
Reading through a list like this can bring up a range of emotions—perhaps disappointment, sadness, anger, or even relief. Give yourself space to sit with those feelings, and take time to process any signs that resonate with your own experience. Recognizing these signs can be painful, but it’s an important step toward healing and gaining clarity about what you deserve in a relationship.
Take a moment to reflect on your current reality in this relationship. Can you truly be yourself with your partner? Do you feel happy when you think about your relationship, or do you often feel emotionally drained after your interactions? If a close friend were experiencing the same things, would you encourage them to stay? Consider whether you are holding onto the potential of what this relationship could be or if you are accepting it for what it truly is right now. Are you staying out of fear, guilt, or self-doubt? Finally, envision your future: if things stay the same, how would it look? Would you want to potentially raise children with this person? Allow yourself to explore these questions honestly.
What beliefs, experiences, or fears might have contributed to me staying in this type of situation or putting up with this kind of treatment? Are there past experiences or messages from my upbringing that made me feel like I deserved less or couldn’t ask for more? How can I start to challenge these thoughts and recognize my true worth?
How has this relationship affected my self-esteem? In what ways have I questioned my own worth or abilities as a result of this relationship?
What negative beliefs about myself have I internalized from this relationship? How can I start to replace them with kinder, more compassionate messages?
Where do I want to go from here, and what kind of life or relationships do I want to create for myself? What are the first small steps I can take to start moving in this direction, and how will these steps help me build the future I envision?
Article written by Katie Byram, LMFT, LPCC
Katie Byram, LMFT, LPCC, PMH-C, is an anxiety therapist in Walnut Creek, California. She is passionate about helping women overcome anxiety, heal from childhood trauma, build healthy relationships, and thrive in motherhood. Katie is a highly qualified mental health professional who is dual-licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #121494) and Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC #10717) through the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. She also holds a Pupil Personnel Services Credential (PPSC) from the California Commission on Teacher Credentialing and is certified in Perinatal Mental Health (PMH-C) through Postpartum Support International.