How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship: 5 Simple Steps

Do you sometimes feel like your feelings and needs get ignored in your relationships? Maybe you find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no,” leading to feelings of resentment and frustration. 

When boundaries are blurred, it can create tension and misunderstandings that impact our relationships, making everything feel more complicated. Over time, this pattern can leave you feeling uncomfortable, annoyed, or even hurt.

Deep down, you want things to be different—you crave relationships where your needs are heard and respected. If this sounds familiar, it's probably time to establish healthier boundaries.

We’ve all been there—it’s easy to fall into patterns where we prioritize everyone else’s needs at the expense of our own. Many of us find it hard to say what we really want or need. But the truth is, healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. 

Healthy boundaries help you define what feels right for you, fostering more fulfilling relationships and preventing burnout. By honoring your needs and clearly communicating them, you allow space for emotional safety, respect and mutual understanding.

If you know you need healthier boundaries but aren’t sure how to set them, keep reading. Whether you’re wondering how to set boundaries with parents, a significant other, coworkers, or friends, these 5 simple steps can help you prioritize your peace and communicate (kindly) what your limits are.

Setting personal boundaries in relationships: a 5-step guide

Step 1. Get clear on your needs and non-negotiable boundaries.

Identifying your needs in relationships can be challenging, especially if you’re accustomed to people-pleasing or prioritizing others above yourself. If you grew up in a space where speaking up didn’t feel safe, it makes sense that you learned to prioritize others to keep the peace. As adults, though, it becomes so important to gently begin honoring our own needs, too. Society often teaches women to be accommodating and selfless, encouraging us to avoid conflict and put others first. While these messages may feel familiar, they can also make it hard to set boundaries without feeling guilt or discomfort. It’s okay to take small steps toward valuing your needs—you deserve care and respect, too. It often takes practice to tune in and discover what you truly need, but this self-awareness is necessary when you are learning what boundaries to set to feel better.

Just as we attune to others by noticing their feelings and needs, we must also learn to attune to ourselves, recognizing that our own emotions and needs deserve the same attention and compassion.

Take a moment to reflect on your unmet needs and non-negotiable boundaries by tuning into how you feel in different situations or interactions. Consider your values and how they may differ from family, cultural, or societal norms—just because something is “normal” doesn’t mean it’s healthy (ie: Societal norms encourage women to be agreeable and avoid confrontation, but it’s okay to stand firm in your values and say "no" without guilt). Understanding your values can help you align your needs with what truly feels right for you.

Notice both your emotions and physical cues—like a clenched jaw, a racing heart, or a sinking feeling in your stomach—these are all clues that something feels off, and it may be time to begin setting personal boundaries in your relationship. Pay attention to any frustration, anger, resentment, or discomfort, as these feelings can signal that boundaries are being crossed. Maybe you snapped at a family member or responded in a way that you normally wouldn't with your partner, these responses when you are feeling triggered can give you a lot of insight on where boundaries may be lacking. Emotional and physical cues are all important signs of boundary violations.

Ask yourself, “What do I need to feel safer and more comfortable?” 

Take a deep breath and be specific about what changes would make you feel more secure and balanced. This self-awareness will help you understand which boundaries to set.

Step 2. Prioritize yourself: Your time, your peace, your energy, your health.

Setting personal boundaries in relationships can feel intimidating, especially if you’re not used to it. But prioritizing yourself is key to honoring your needs. It may be challenging depending on who you’re setting the boundary with—like a parent, where past dynamics or expectations can complicate things. 

Start small by setting something like a time boundary with a friend or coworker, rather than a dysfunctional family relationship. (Setting boundaries with parents may require more practice, and support from a licensed therapist can be particularly helpful.) For example, you might be spending too much money going to happy hours with your coworkers. Rather than going every week, set the boundary of only going once a month. Or perhaps you want to socialize, but you don’t want to drink. Order a glass of water or a soda, but don’t let people pressure you into having a beer or a glass of wine if you don’t want one.

Work on reframing any unhelpful core beliefs or fears about how people will respond or perceive you. Are you afraid you’ll be laughed at if you set a boundary? Challenged? That the person will be mad at you? Where do these fears come from? When in your life were you met with resistance when you tried to set a boundary, and did you hold it, or did you give in?

Remember: you are your priority, and you are not responsible for other people's feelings. This doesn’t mean you have to resort to being unkind, but if you’re not going to prioritize your wellbeing, who is? Take a closer look when you’re considering where you are sacrificing your peace, feeling resentful, or allowing discomfort when there are other ways to approach the situation.

Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, choosing yourself is essential because you deserve to have your needs respected, and doing so will significantly improve your relationships with those who genuinely value you and want to be a part of your life.

Step 3. Communicate your boundary.

Once you’ve identified where boundaries are needed and what you hope to achieve, it’s time to communicate them clearly. 

Begin by being as direct and concise as possible. Use straightforward, objective language that focuses on the facts, and express your needs with “I” statements rather than “you” statements to prevent defensiveness (“I need some time to myself right now” or “I’m not comfortable with that.”).

Try using this boundary formula: 

“I need/want/expect [specific request or boundary] because I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior].”

Example: I need us to take a break when arguments escalate because I feel overwhelmed when things get too heated.

Avoid over explaining or justifying your boundaries. Setting personal boundaries in relationships is your right—you do not have to justify your actions to anyone. Try to be confident and respectful in your communication to ensure it is assertive and constructive. 

You can set a boundary while still being kind by expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, showing that you value both yourself and the other person.

Remember, it’s normal to feel some discomfort when setting personal boundaries in relationships, but staying consistent and restating your needs when necessary will help reinforce them. At the end of this blog, there are scripts you can pull from when you aren’t sure what to say!

Step 4. Handle discomfort with compassion.

Give yourself some grace. Navigating the discomfort that comes with setting boundaries requires self-compassion. It’s natural to feel guilt, fear, awkwardness, sadness, or grief (especially if this is new for you).

Remember, setting boundaries is a healthy practice and should not disrupt a healthy relationship; it’s about respecting yourself and your needs. If establishing limits causes issues, it may mean the relationship is already strained or unhealthy. 

Don’t let the discomfort derail your progress—celebrate your efforts and recognize that it’s okay to prioritize your needs. 

Focus on how you can maintain these new boundaries moving forward rather than dwelling on how others might react. You are not responsible for how others react to your boundaries; your role is to communicate your needs clearly and respectfully, while respecting yourself and your well-being. Just as you honor others' boundaries, it’s crucial for them to honor yours. 

Remind yourself that you are doing nothing wrong; you’re simply advocating for yourself. 

Communicating your boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship and a crucial step in protecting your mental health and overall happiness.

Step 5. Practice, reassess, and adjust if needed.

Setting boundaries is a skill that improves with practice. Start by setting small, manageable boundaries and gradually work up to more emotionally demanding ones. 

After you’ve set your boundaries, take note of how things go. Some people might resist or push back initially, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for setting them. Be consistent and flexible as you learn what works best for you. Reflect on your experiences, and if a boundary isn’t quite working as you hoped, adjust it to better meet your needs. Each time you set a boundary, you build confidence and clarity. 

The goal is to create balanced, respectful relationships where your needs and those of others are honored. Over time, setting and adjusting boundaries will become a natural and empowering part of maintaining healthy relationships.

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships! 

Boundaries are not just important—they're essential for maintaining healthy relationships. They provide the foundation for mutual respect and understanding, ensuring that your needs are valued. Healthy boundaries are not only a form of self-care but also a way to foster genuine connections rooted in authenticity. 

While it may feel uncomfortable or even awkward at first, it becomes more natural over time. The more you practice, the easier it will be to confidently express what you need.

Remember, if someone is upset by your boundaries, it often means they were benefiting from your lack of them. This reaction can be a red flag, signaling that they may not have your best interests at heart, or they may have their own healing to do.That’s why it’s so important to prioritize your peace and protect your emotional health. The people who truly care about you will understand and respect the boundaries you set—they’re a reflection of your self-respect and self-worth.

If you're finding it difficult to set or maintain boundaries, know that you're not alone. Seeking support can make all the difference. I’m Katie Byram, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, offering online therapy for women and moms throughout California. Whether you’re struggling with people-pleasing, feeling stuck in unhealthy relationships, or simply tired of how things are going, I’m here to help. I support busy women and moms to improve their relationships, heal childhood wounds, and cultivate confidence. Let’s work together to help you build the healthy, fulfilling relationships you deserve. If you're looking for therapy for boundaries in Walnut Creek, contact me for a free consultation to start setting personal boundaries you feel confident about. Set up a free consultation today!

Here are some simple one-liners you can use to set a boundary:

When you want to say “no”:

Thank you for asking, but I can’t right now. 

Thank you for inviting me, but I am unable to come.

I need to prioritize my own well-being and can’t attend the family gathering.

I’m unable to help with that request right now. Maybe another time.

I can’t agree to that because it goes against my values. I need to stick to what feels right for me.

I need a little bit of space to rest and recharge.

I have a lot on my plate, so I’ll have to say no.

When you’re feeling disrespected: 

It’s not okay for you to tell me how I should feel.My feelings are valid.

I need you to avoid making mean jokes about me. It’s important to me that we keep our interactions respectful.

I won’t talk to you if you continue to raise your voice or have that tone with me.

I need you to respect my opinions, even if you don’t agree with them.

I want to step away from this conversation for a bit.

I’ve set this boundary for a reason, and I need it to be respected. It’s not okay to disregard what I’ve communicated.

When you're feeling overwhelmed:

I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to myself.

I can’t help with that at the moment.

I’m not available right now.

Now isn’t a good time.

I’m too tired to talk about this now. Can we take a break and resume tomorrow?

I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.

I won’t be able to take on any additional projects or household tasks

I need your help with…

When you’re uncomfortable: 

I’d rather not talk about them when they’re not here. Can we change the topic?

Thank you for your advice, but I’d prefer to handle this on my own for now.

You’re standing too close to me. Please move back a little. 

This conversation is making me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to continue discussing this with you.

I don’t feel comfortable answering that question. Let’s talk about something else.

I need you to call before you stop by.

I don’t like it when you talk about my body/weight, Please stop. 

When dealing with unwanted advances and consent:

I need you to stop. I’m not okay with this.

Your comment isn’t funny; it’s sexually inappropriate. 

I’m not interested in a sexual relationship with you.

I’ve asked you not to touch my leg/put your arm around me. It makes me uncomfortable. 

When you touch me without asking, I feel uncomfortable. Consent is really important to me, and  I would like you to ask me before you touch me, even if you’re just going in for a hug.

I need you to stop with the flirting; it’s not something I’m okay with.

When you’re setting healthy boundaries in your relationship:

I value spending time with my friends, and I want to maintain those friendships outside of our relationship.

I need us to communicate respectfully when we disagree. Let’s avoid yelling or blaming and take breaks when necessary.

When we’re upset, I want us to avoid saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment and revisit the conversation calmly later.

I tend to overthink things when I don’t hear from you, so I need us to establish open communication about when we’re unavailable.

I’m not comfortable with sharing passwords or having my messages or social media monitored, and I need you to trust my privacy.

I understand jealousy happens, but I need you to address it without accusing me, checking up on me, or controlling who I spend time with.

I want us both to take responsibility for our actions. I won’t accept being blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship.

When you’re setting boundaries with parents: 

I really appreciate your advice, and I know you have a lot of experience. I’m trying out some things that feel right for me, so I’ll let you know if I need any guidance along the way.

I care about both of you, and I don’t want to be in the middle. I hope you can understand that I want to keep my relationships separate.

I realize you might not agree with my choices, but they’re what I feel are best for me. I hope you can support me, even if it’s hard to.

I need to protect my emotional well-being, so I’m going to step away from this conversation. Let’s pick it up later when we’re both in a calmer space.

I’d really appreciate it if you could let me finish speaking before responding. It helps me feel heard and understood.

I’d appreciate it if we could keep family matters between us. It makes me uncomfortable when I hear about them discussed with others.

I’d love to have you visit, but could you please give me a quick call or text before stopping by? This helps make sure it’s a good time for everyone.

Setting boundaries as a new mom:

Thanks for sharing! I’ll consider it, but I’m happy with how things are going now.

I really appreciate your help. I have a list on the fridge with helpful household tasks you can assist with. 

When you come to visit, I’d really appreciate it if you could help out with chores or meals instead of just focusing on the baby. It would mean a lot to me.

I love that everyone is excited to meet the baby, but I need some time to recover and bond as a family. Let’s plan visits for a few weeks from now.

I know you have so much experience, and I’m grateful for that. Right now, I’d like to explore my own way of doing things, and I’ll definitely reach out if I need advice.

I’m still figuring things out as a new mom, and I hope you can be patient with me as I navigate this new chapter. I appreciate your understanding.

If you’re looking for therapy for boundaries in Walnut Creek, I offer online support to help you set and maintain boundaries that feel right for you. Reach out to schedule a consultation.

Journal Prompts for setting healthy boundaries

Personal boundaries fill in the blanks: 

I am afraid to set a boundary with _______________ because I’m worried they will _______________. 

When __________ and I interact, I feel ___________. 

I don’t like when ___________ [person] does _______________ [action]. 

I would be more comfortable if they ________________. 

To communicate this, I want to set the following boundary: I need _________(desired boundary). Because I feel _________ when _____________ (behavior),  I would rather _____________(changed behavior). 

1. Take a moment to reflect on your unmet needs and the boundaries you may need to set. Think about situations or interactions that leave you feeling frustrated, angry, resentful, or uncomfortable. Pay attention to physical cues, like tension in your body, a racing heart, or a sinking feeling in your stomach. These signs can indicate where your boundaries are being crossed. Ask yourself, "What do I need to feel safer and more comfortable?" Write down specific changes that would help you feel more secure and balanced in these situations.

2. What are your core values, and in what ways do your  current relationships, commitments, and daily actions reflect or misalign with them? How might setting boundaries allow you to live more in alignment with what matters most to you?

3. Think back to moments in your past when you felt it was unsafe or uncomfortable to express your needs. What messages or experiences taught you that prioritizing others was the best way to stay protected? Now, consider how those patterns have shown up in your relationships today. What would it feel like to begin releasing those old beliefs and start honoring your own needs? Write about one small way you can practice setting a boundary or speaking up for yourself in a situation where you’ve previously stayed silent. How would this feel, and what might shift for you if you did?

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Article written by Katie Byram, LMFT, LPCC

Katie Byram, LMFT, LPCC, PMH-C, is an anxiety therapist in Walnut Creek, California. She is passionate about helping women overcome anxiety, heal from childhood trauma, build healthy relationships, and thrive in motherhood. Katie is a highly qualified mental health professional who is dual-licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #121494) and Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC #10717) through the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. She also holds a Pupil Personnel Services Credential (PPSC) from the California Commission on Teacher Credentialing and is certified in Perinatal Mental Health (PMH-C) through Postpartum Support International.